


Secret Love

by Ponddipper



Category: The Grand Tour (TV) RPF, Top Gear (UK) RPF
Genre: Facing Fears, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, Idiots in Love, JamJez, Jealousy, M/M, Marriage Proposal, MayClark, Men Crying, Romantic Fluff, Self-Doubt, Valentine's Day 2021
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-10
Updated: 2021-02-13
Packaged: 2021-03-16 10:35:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,369
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29330931
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ponddipper/pseuds/Ponddipper
Summary: Formerly A very public proposal‘You don’t own him, you idiot.’  Richard chuckled, settling himself back against the wall.  ‘He isn’t a car.’In which James gets annoyed by a touchy-feely fan and a proper bombshell closes the show.
Relationships: Jeremy Clarkson/James May
Comments: 5
Kudos: 20





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A 2 part story for Valentine's day 2021.  
> This was helped along by a Gif on someone's Tumblr (sorry. I don't recall whose.) I had the idea a few weeks back, then saw the Gif and the comment that it had to be written and voila. This was born.  
> As ever do feel free to comment and feedback.
> 
> DISCLAIMER;  
> This is a work of fiction based upon the personas projected in a TV show. No offense is intended. It does not imply anything about the real people behind those personas. Think of it as an alternative universe where such a possibility might occur.

** Secret Love **

** A Top Gear FanFic **

** Chapter 1 **

It wasn’t bloody fair! Cocking fans and their wandering hands, treating Jezza like a piece of meat. He was _James_ ’ boyfriend, not theirs. Why couldn’t they go find their own six-foot-five Yorkshireman to fondle and leave Jezza alone!

From the shadowy corner he was hidden in, James looked over towards the stage, where Jezza was surrounded by a crowd of female fans, including, he noted bitterly, Little Miss Too-Familiar-By-Half. He had one arm thrown over the woman’s shoulder, smiling brightly, while she was snuggled in close, one hand on Jezza’s broad chest, phone held out in front of them so they could take a selfie. Jez looked happy.

James wrapped his arms around himself, knowing all too well what it was like to be held in Jezza’s warm embrace. How safe and secure he felt when the older man snuck up from behind and pulled his boyfriend backwards into a hug. 

He trusted Jez, knew the kind words and suggestive winks were all part of the act he put on for his fans, giving them what they wanted – a moment of his time and a memory to treasure. But he couldn’t help the little devil on his shoulder that taunted him, told him, deep down, Jez was straight and one day soon he’d wake up and realise just what he missed.

It would be so easy for James to walk over there and kiss him. Plant a smacker right on those warm, soft lips, stake his claim on the older man and make that _woman_ back the fuck right off.

Jezza wouldn’t mind. He was always pulling James in for kisses when they were at home.

James’ cheeks grew warm as he recalled the all too brief exchange they’d shared earlier that day. The way Jezza’s arms had circled his waist, pulling him close, trying desperately to deepen their kiss before the crash of a door had them springing apart. 

James missed him. He hadn’t seen his boyfriend in almost a week, the need for discretion and Jezza’s last-minute trip to Belgium affording them no time to meet up before today.

There would be a media frenzy if their secret ever got out. It wasn’t _illegal,_ and Jez had been divorced six months before they’d gotten drunk and admitted they might like each other as more than friends. But Jezza seemed to attract negative publicity like wasps to jam, and he had suffered enough Press bashing over the years that James wasn’t prepared to bring anymore down on their heads.

Why should it matter who he loved, or whose bed he slept in at night? Or didn’t sleep, as the case might be. So long as it was consensual, what business was it of anybody else? Just because they were on TV. Didn’t they have the right to privacy just as much as everybody else?

James clenched his fists. He presented a bloody car show! It’s not like he was going to corrupt the sodding nation!

Closing his eyes, James took another deep breath, flaring his nostrils and stretching out his hands, forcing himself to relax. It wasn’t like they were “out” to the public, so nobody knew Jezza was anything but a single man. 

A familiar burst of deep laughter had James looking up towards the stage again, catching Jezza’s eye. He smiled, the closed-lipped one that turned James’ insides all tingly, setting off that fizzy feeling low in his belly. Those twinkly eyes, half-mischievous, half-amused, shone brightly from the man’s craggy face and James smiled back, though it felt strained. 

Whatever did a man like him, see in a man like James?

The fawning fan flinched as Jez stepped sideways, dislodging the overly manicured hand that had been resting on his arse. Why couldn’t she get the message that he wasn’t interested and let it go? Women like that had no boundaries, nor any respect James realised, as he spotted the gold band wrapped around her finger.

Unable to watch any longer, James slipped through the fire door to his left and delighted in the cool evening air blowing gently across his face. With so many people indoors, the studio could get uncomfortably stuffy. A few minutes out here and he would be calm enough to go back inside and finish filming the show.

‘Decided to make your escape while you could, eh?’

Richard appeared suddenly beside him, making James jump.

‘Do you want me to go back and chaperone the party?’ The younger man said, jerking his head back towards the studio. ‘Or would you rather I bring her out here for you to claw her eyes out instead?’

James shook his head, biting his lip to hold back the sudden torrent of vicious words of what he’d like to do to the woman practically humping Jezza’s leg.

Richard was one of very few people who knew about him and Jez. When they’d first gotten together, James had insisted on keeping things quiet - a need-to-know basis only. He didn’t want his whole life put under a microscope, his previous relationships dredged up, his faults laid bare for all to see. Jezza had wholeheartedly agreed, the furore of his separation from Francie and the ensuing divorce, only recently gone away.

So, they told Richard, and Andy of course, along with Francie and the kids. Thankfully, Jez was still on good terms with his Ex-wife and she was just happy the pair had, as she put it, “each finally grown a pair and admitted how they felt.” James had told his mum and siblings, mostly to forewarn them in case the secret ever did get out, though everyone was sworn to secrecy and, two and a half years on, no-one had rumbled them. As far as the rest of the world knew, James May and Jeremy Clarkson were just best mates and co-presenters.

‘I wish I could tell them to bugger off, Hammond.’ James whined, flopping back against the hangar wall, shoving both hands into the front pockets of his jeans. ‘Tell them to leave him alone because he’s _mine.’_

‘You don’t _own_ him, you idiot.’ Richard chuckled, settling himself in at James’ side. ‘He isn’t a car.’

James snorted.

‘If he was, I’d keep him locked in the garage all week and only let him out on Sundays for a wash.’

Richard laughed happily, shaking his head.

‘Too much information, mate. _Way_ too much.’

James sighed, dragging a hand through his shoulder-length hair. Jez said he preferred it like this because then he could run his fingers through it like a girl’s. James had suggested it was more a wistful reminiscing of when the older man had some of his own, which led to a serious tickle fight that left them both aching and panting for breath.

‘Why does it have to be so complicated, Rich? Hiding away in dark corners, out of the public gaze. Why can’t I just live my life, with the man I love, without worrying I’ll be on the front page of every rag tomorrow if I stand too close? Where’s the story in _that_?’ 

James looked up to the darkening sky above, blinking back the sudden tears that threatened to spill down his cheeks.

‘Would _they_ like it if their entire lives were ripped open and picked apart for all to see? To comment on and sneer?’

‘I don’t know, mate.’ Richard shrugged, reaching out to give James’ shoulder a squeeze. ‘I really don’t know. But remember that, whatever happens, I’m right behind you, yeah?’

James nodded; mouth closed.

‘You two are my best mates and I’ve never seen you happier.’ Richard continued. ‘You fit together so well. He’s become a calmer, less outspoken person since you started going out, and he helps bring you out of your shell. Sure, you bicker like an old married couple sometimes, but show me two people in love who don’t.’

Bumping James’ shoulder with his own, Richard laughed suddenly, turning to him with a wide-eyed grin.

‘Hey, James! That’s it! The answer to your prayers. All you gotta do is marry the orangutan and then everybody’ll know to leave him alone.’

‘Yeah right!’ James scoffed, crossing his arms over his chest, trying not to smile. ‘And in this fantasy world where nobody bats an eyelid at me and him getting hitched, do you see us more as Mr and Mr May-Clarkson, or Clarkson-May?’

Which didn’t sound so bad once he’d said it out loud.

‘Well, that’s up to you mate.’ Richard said, white teeth almost blinding in the light of the setting sun. ‘Whichever you choose, it’d solve your problem though, wouldn’t it?’

It certainly would. And it wasn’t like he hadn’t _thought_ about marriage. In a vague, maybe one day kind of sense at least. He’d talked to Francie about it, and the kids, needing to know their opinions and if they’d be comfortable about such a momentous change. They’d be stuck with James as their Stepdad after all.

Emily had squealed and offered to help him choose a ring, while Fin just laughed and Katya asked to be their bridesmaid.

Did you even _have_ bridesmaids if there wasn’t a bride?

Francie had taken him aside after dinner and given her blessing as well.

“ _We had our time together, James my dear. More than twenty years in fact. Now it’s your turn. Jeremy loves you, far more than he ever did me, I think, and I know you love him deeply in return. Let yourself be happy. It’s what you_ both _deserve.”_

But was he just being greedy? Wanting more than he already had? Did a piece of paper and a ring make that much difference in the end? 

It hadn’t saved Jez and Francie’s relationship had it? They still ended up going their separate ways. Who’s to say Jezza wouldn’t find someone else in a year or two and leave James, the way he’d left his wife?

If Jezza had dropped a hint or two, brought it up in conversation perhaps James might be convinced. But he hadn’t and James was afraid if he pushed too much, he might end up pushing Jezza away.

Sure, he said I love you. _Multiple_ times a day. There were gifts brought back from travels, dinners in and trips away. The unexpected hugs when they were alone, the mugs of tea and plates of Jaffa cakes brought over when James was entirely too engrossed in something to notice he’d skipped lunch. He knew Jezza loved him as much as James loved him back in return. So, what _was_ stopping him from taking the ultimate plunge?

Yes, the press would have a field day, paparazzi hounding them with cameras wherever they went. They’d be forced to hole up somewhere isolated for a week or two, just the two of them, until the circus died down again and they could re-emerge to get on with their lives. 

_Oh dear, wouldn’t_ that _be a shame! Whatever would they do?_ James smiled.

But it _would_ die down eventually. These things always did. With a new season of Strictly around the corner, someone was sure to cause a scandal on that. So, the spotlight would be diverted soon enough. And James and Jezza’s torrid affair would fade out of the public consciousness and they would be left in peace. Hopefully.

Stephen Fry had survived it, Elton John, and a dozen such men and more. They had ‘come out’ to the public, gotten married and still had fans and a viable career. There weren’t any skeletons in James’ cupboard for the hacks to find, and with Jez’s sister Jo on the case, anyone who tried to dig for dirt on either of them would be hit with an injunction so fast they would be seeing metaphorical stars.

As hard as he tried James couldn’t find any more reasons not to go ahead. Would he regret it more, in the end, if he tried and failed or didn’t risk trying at all?

‘You know,’ Richard said in a low whisper, James having forgotten the younger man was even there. ‘If we were in a cartoon right now, I’d be choking on the heart eyes you’re belching out.’

Pushing himself off the wall, Richard turned to face James and held out his hand.

‘Come on. Let’s go back inside. I’ll create a diversion and you can drag the ape off into a darkened corner for a minute or five. Show him who he belongs to, alright?’

James looked down at Richards outstretched hand, stomach fluttering at his idea. But he was fed up with hiding in darkened corners now, always keeping one eye open, waiting to be caught.

With a swell of unexpected and sudden determination James looked his best friend in the eye and shook his head. Richard was right. Time to rip the plaster off in one go, take a flying leap into the unknown. Time to speed round the blind bend and meet the truck of fate head-on.

‘Give me five minutes.’ James said, standing up straight and walking away. ‘There’s something I need to do first.’


	2. Chapter 2

** Chapter 2 **

Jeremy eventually managed to disentangle himself from the gaggle of fans surrounding him, more than happy to put distance between himself and _Marion,_ the “Superfan”. Yes, it was part of being famous, he supposed, that people seemed to think they knew him, had the right to step into his personal space and put their hands wherever they chose.

Even if that touch left him cold these days. 

He fully understood James’ need for privacy, even more so since they got together, but there were times he just wanted to drag James to the centre of the stage and snog him breathless, kiss him until the rest of the world got the picture that they were an item and sod off to harass someone else. 

Though James would probably kill him for doing so, which sort of defeated the object of the exercise. 

Signing one last autograph, smiling politely for the umpteenth selfie of the day, Jeremy excused himself from the crowd of mostly middle-aged women and made his way towards the loos. He’d seen James head this way earlier and hoped to catch him in a private spot to steal at least a quick kiss.

They’d been apart for over a week – clashing schedules and the need to keep the press off the scent leaving them no time to see each other until today. Texts and phone calls weren’t the same, even if they did speak every day. The cheap, throwaway mobiles they communicated with to prevent phone hacking couldn’t even show Jeremy the other man’s face.

But tonight. Oh, tonight he had plans. Tonight, Jeremy would at last have James in his arms again, be able to hold him close and bury his nose in that long silky hair. Tonight, he would sleep the sleep of the peaceful, the loving and loved in return. Since he and James had spent their first night together two and a half years ago, Jeremy had found it difficult to sleep alone. He’d suffered from insomnia most of his adult life, but the nights they spent apart were some of the coldest and longest he’d ever known.

Walking briskly, long legs eating up the distance, Jeremy ducked into the corridor that led to the crew’s loos, scanning the dimly lit space for a familiar silhouette leaning against the wall. But the corridor was empty, no sign of James, or anybody else. He checked the loos, just in case, but they were deserted so he made his way back towards the studio with haste. He didn’t want Marion to appear and think she could change his mind.

Where had James slipped off to? Jeremy was sure he’d seen him head this way earlier, the navy and white flowery shirt too distinctive to be mistaken for someone else.

As he passed, the fire door in the corner creaked open and Hammond slipped carefully through. Bearing down on his diminutive co-presenter with speed, Jeremy hauled him into the shadows before he spoke.

‘Have you seen, James?’ He hissed, eyes darting back and forth across the room to make sure they were alone.

Two and a half years of secret-keeping had him paranoid, he knew. And with 300+ people less than fifty feet away he couldn’t take any chances of being overheard.

‘Yeah, he was outside with me. Said he needed some air.’

Richard smelt like cheap cigarettes and, while James and Jeremy had both given up some time ago, Jeremy knew the younger man still needed a hit of nicotine from time to time.

‘Think he was trying to avoid the stampede of your harem, actually.’ Richard grinned, arms folded over his chest, one eyebrow raised in a disapproving parent face. ‘One of them seemed particularly keen on getting better acquainted at least.’

‘Piss off, Hammond.’ Jeremy snapped, shoulders sagging with a sigh. ‘You know she’s not my type anymore.’

Christ! If James saw that woman plastered all over him, he was probably hiding in a corner somewhere convincing himself Jeremy was about to give him the heave-ho. It didn’t matter how many times he said, ‘I love you’, Jeremy knew he still harboured doubts, still thought Jeremy would one day change his mind and declare he was actually straight after all. _Stupid man_!

Running a hand through what was left of his curly hair, tugging at the strands, Jeremy let out another deep sigh. Did he have enough time to nip outside and find James? Could he persuade the other man he wasn’t interested in anyone else, without arousing the suspicions of the crew? Richard knew about their relationship, Andy too. But both he and James had promised not to let things interfere with the show and so far, they had kept that promise.

It was times like these Jeremy wished he still smoked. At least then he’d have an excuse to keep disappearing outside every chance he got.

‘Come on you three.’ Andy’s voice sounded down the earpiece each presenter wore. ‘Let’s get this last bit in the can. The sooner we’re done, the sooner we can get to the pub!’

Jeremy took a moment to stare at the fire door, debating whether to do as he was told and go back to work, or go find James and reassure his boyfriend that _he_ was the only one Jeremy loved.

But, before he could take a step forward towards the door, it opened to admit a slightly flushed James. 

‘Slow!’ Jeremy cried, wincing as his voice came out much louder than intended. ‘There you are.’

He stepped forward, arms reaching out to pull him into a hug, but paused at the last minute then dropped them to his sides.

‘Everything alright?’

Stormy grey eyes met sapphire blue in an assessing gaze. The flick of an eyebrow and pursing of lips a silent communication between the two.

‘Yes, Jezza.’ James said, managing a small smile. ‘We’re good.’

Jeremy stepped forward again, one large hand clapping James on the shoulder and giving it a squeeze. It was as close to a hug as he could manage with so many people around, but the message was received loud and clear because some of the tension seeped out of James as he pressed up slightly into the touch.

‘Come on then, gentlemen.’ Richard said, gesturing the way to the stage with his hands. ‘We have work to do.’

They got the final sequence done in two takes. The first was interrupted when Iain, on camera four, had a sneezing fit halfway through and jerked his camera straight into shot, causing Richard to fluff his line.

But just as Jeremy drew breath to deliver the sign off for the show, James interrupted him with a cough.

‘Um, before we go, Jezza. I’ve got something to say.’

Jeremy had missed the rehearsals this morning due to his flight from Belgium being delayed by fog, so he assumed this was some extra bit the others had cooked up and he waved to James to carry on. Yet something about Richard’s sudden look of surprise, and Andy’s quiet ‘ _What_?’ in his ear sent a prickle of tension to the top of Jeremy’s spine.

James stepped forward, chest out, shoulders back, as if bracing himself for bad news. Drawing a deep breath, he looked right down the lens of camera four.

‘Two and a half years ago, ladies and gentlemen,’ James began, pointing towards Jeremy. ‘This man made me the happiest man in London, by agreeing to go on a date.’

Jeremy swallowed, hard, trying to moisten the sticky dryness in his throat, his pulse picking up speed.

_What was he doing? Was he outing them? Here? Now?_

But James was carrying on.

‘Then a year ago, he made me the happiest man in the UK, by agreeing to move in.’ James shrugged. ‘Well, okay we exchanged keys to each other’s house.’

A ripple of uncertain laughter flickered around the audience. Jeremy was too busy gaping at James trying to decide if he had hit his head and was now hallucinating, or if James had suddenly gone mad, to notice if the people around him were as slack-jawed as himself.

He could never have predicted what happened next, nor would he have wanted to, because it would have spoilt the most perfect moment of his recent life.

‘And so, … ‘

James turned, finally looking Jeremy straight in the eye, his cheeks a deeper shade of pink, his eyes a watery blue.

‘… now I’m wondering, …’

He stepped forward closing the gap between them.

‘… if he’ll make me the happiest man, _in the world, …’_

God his Clarkson impression was awful.

‘… by agreeing to be my husband.’

The collective gasp of over 300 people was loud as a jet engine in the enclosed space of the studio. Every eye watched as James dropped to one knee before him. Holding out a piece of wire wound into the shape of a ring.

‘So, what do you reckon then? Jeremy Clarkson. Will you marry me?’

He couldn’t speak. He couldn’t _breathe_. Both hands steepled over his mouth, his eyes gone blurry with sudden tears. There was no sound, save the thundering wet pound of his pulse beating against his eardrums and Jeremy feared he might be about to faint.

It was a dream, it had to be. A hallucination caused by his sleep-deprived mind, a momentary fantasy cooked up by too much coffee and the longing of his heart. There was no way James had just asked him to…

‘BLOODY HELL, JEZZA!’ Andy screamed through his earpiece, jolting Jeremy back to life. ‘ANSWER HIM!’

‘Yes.’ 

Jeremy’s voice was high, more a squeak than actual words. But the nodding of his head and hitching of his breaths were obviously enough because James’ face split into the biggest grin he had ever seen, and the audience and crew erupted into a cacophonous cheer.

Jeremy’s knees went then, buckling under the strain of keeping him upright. But James was there, catching him as he fell, two strong arms wrapping around his back and pulling him into a tight embrace.

‘Are you sure, Jezza?’ James said, in a wobbly voice as his mouth brushed against the shell of Jeremy’s ear. ‘Are you really sure?’

Tears spilled down Jeremy’s cheeks as he buried his face into James’ hair and nodded again. He couldn’t help it, unable to hold back the flood. James’ rubbed circles on his back as Jeremy sobbed, each gasping breath a great effort as he squeezed his boyfriend harder until he thought he might break a rib.

‘I know it’s not a proper ring.’ James said, pulling back and taking Jeremy’s trembling right hand in both of his. ‘But will it do until I can get to the Jewellers? Em’s promised to help me choose something suitably masculine.’

Jeremy bit his lip, desperate to quell the shakes that rippled across his body.

‘If it’s from you, it’ll be perfect.’ He sniffed, admiring his new ‘engagement ring’ through blurry eyes. He wasn’t really one for jewellery, but this was made by James’ hand and it meant more than any sized lump of gold. It was a perfect, comfortable fit and he wondered how James had managed to get the size so spot on. But before he could ask, the sounds of mockery descended from the gallery. 

‘Ideas for next series then Gents?’ Andy laughed. ‘Best budget wedding cars? How to honeymoon in a caravan?’

Jeremy plucked his earpiece out, James’ too _._

 _Let the bastards have their fun_ , he thought. They would get their revenge.

To the sound of hoots, hollers and howls of delight Jeremy pulled James into a passionate kiss, the relief at finally being able to do so in public making him giddy once again. The press was going to go mental. Twitter would probably explode. But right now, he really didn’t care what anyone else had to say.

James loved him enough to stand up and tell the world. The least Jeremy could do was show him just how much that meant.

In the background Richard signed off the show, for once a real bombshell on which to end. Feeling cramp start to tingle in his calves, Jeremy pulled back, making to stand but James went tense, a hiss escaping through clenched teeth.

‘Shit, Jezza. I can’t get up! My bloody knee has gone.’

Jeremy tried. He really did. It wasn’t that it was funny to see James in pain, or that he wanted to make the other man feel bad. But with the rollercoaster of emotions he had gone through in the last five minutes or so, Jeremy couldn’t hold back the snigger, nor the snort. Nor the deep belly laugh that rolled out hot on their heels.

Fresh tears streaming down his face, legs locked straight and wide, Jeremy reached out and hauled his fiancé up, planting another smacker of a kiss on his lips once they were face to face again, both hands sliding down to cup James rather agreeable arse.

‘I love you, James. So, bloody much.’

THE END

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, there we go. A happy ending for two idiots in love.  
>  In case you're wondering, James decides on Clarkson-May because then he gets the last word (if only).  
> I might have a sort of follow up to this story one day but I don't know when I'll write it.  
> Please comment, criticise and leave feedback because that is the only way I will improve.  
> Thanks for reading and Good NIght!


End file.
